Alienation in adulthood is a nightmare for both parents and children, arising either out of necessity or need. There are many reasons for this: divorce, new partners, or death. Statistically, only half of such relationships see a later reconciliation, and how this comes about is undocumented.

My mother and I are estranged; both geographically and emotionally. She lives in Saarland and is very religious; I live in Hamburg and am not religious. My parents divorced when I was 15, and I stayed with my alcoholic father. She left Hamburg with her new partner.

When my father died, a large void and many unanswered questions remained. By then, my mother was already too far away to really help. The years passed, and our relationship grew quieter; phone calls were brief, and meeting up was out of the question.

Now, my partner and I are expecting our first child, and I wonder how things will be with us. With this, I search for what has been lost.